Jumping, Refusing and Breaking

We are a family who loves music.  Hubby plays guitar and sings.  We have music playing a lot of the time.  He has exposed the kiddos to many different kinds of music.  I like all kinds of music, however my choice is ALWAYS Christian.  Jesus music as we call it. 

My days are filled with lots of "noise".  I home school our kiddos as well as provide day care for 2 families.  One 9 month old boy and 3 brothers, age 5, 2.5 and 1.  My house can get loud!  I enjoy silence at times.  I also chose to carefully expose myself and my kiddos to things that will bring me comfort, peace, support.  I physically can't listen to a "regular" radio station because of the ads. I need the calmer songs.

During our last adoption, I had a particular song that spoke to me.  I had read a blog post by someone awhile before we started our 3rd adoption and it came back to me then.  It resounded in my soul and stayed there through the whole journey.

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

(Brave by Nichole Nordeman)

We were "set", we had a girl and a boy.  We had no known plans to grow our family any more.  Financially we were tapped out.  But none of that was important when God called.  Ready to jump.....so long status quo....

And we jumped.

And that jump has brought us to this jump. Directly.  For we wouldn't know of this boy without our first Thai boy.  But that story is for another day.

Early on in this adoption journey, I had a Josh Wilson song take hold of my heart.  The refrain and this particular verse explains exactly what my plea for the orphan embodies.  For many people to feel this moved.

I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
I could choose not to move
But I refuse

I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God
So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
And show them who You are

I have been to the orphanage.  I have counted the many faces looking at my hubby and I with hope, felt the arms reaching to touch me and have NOT been able to forget it for the last 3+ years.  I still can't wrap my head around the numbers.....36 kids in Jet's cottage (not orphanage!), and only 58 kids adopted in a YEAR to the US.  I honestly hope I am never able to wrap my head around those staggering statistics.  I never want to think that is acceptable. 

When we were approached about this adoption, the line I put in larger print is what God continued to play over and over in my mind.  I hadn't wanted us to just sit around, my heart was burdened with what could God be calling us to do.  Then He handed me an answer.  A fourth adoption. But what were we going to do about it?  We could choose not to move.  That would have been easier, but easy isn't what He promised.  And it then goes back to our first 2 adoptions and my favorite saying by Harry Holt, pioneer of international adoptions and co-founder of Holt International.  "Who will answer for these children?"  I don't want to be standing before my Lord and be found wanting. 

So we refused.  And we jumped.

A couple of weeks ago, this refrain ripped through my heart as I was tuned in to my Jesus music.

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners,
open our eyes to the world
at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, 
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours

(Casting Crowns-Jesus, Friend of Sinners)

Sometimes lyrics just scream at you, know what I mean?!  I feel even more convicted in His sadness over there being well over 150 million orphans on earth.  And it gives words to what I have been feeling since 2007 when we started Jet's adoption after seeing how many boys age 5-7 were available for adoption.  Since our cab ride from the airport in Bangkok at 2:30am when a group of young kids, ages 8 to 10, surrounded the cab on a very busy street, trying to earn money.  From meeting Jet's cottage mates, seeing those eyes, feeling those hands. 

Heart breaking.  He is breaking my heart.  Asking me to see, feel, refuse to NOT move and instead to JUMP.  He is allowing me a glimpse of His heart break as He watches us walk past those less fortunate. 

I thought I needed to put that feeling "away".  Others have gone before me, others have seen poverty, many have to know the number of children who need a home..... I now know, God has done this for me.  He has broken my heart so that I may see.  Maybe for the first time ever.



So long status quo, I think I just let go........